I am a 40-year-old married woman with a 12-year-old daughter. I am not at peace with myself due to many things that happened in the past. My husband barely speaks to me; he says maybe four or five sentences a day to me and isn't willing to communicate on an emotional level. He has a respectable job and makes a decent living, but he is short-tempered and often shouts at my daughter. He also drinks to excess almost every day. I have no one to open my heart to and I feel quite lonely and bored. I have tried yoga and pranayam, which give me momentary relief, but I am unable to continue with this for more than two or three months. I would like to live joyfully as one family. Is there some spiritual way I can make my husband talk to me and care more for the family? To escape from all of this, I have started living in a fantasy world where everything is as I like it. I know this is wrong, but I am always daydreaming, and when reality hits me, I feel depressed. Your spiritual advice would be greatly appreciated.

-Ami

Dear Ami,

Many times people become frustrated with their lives outside the family but it's the family who suffers as a result of their unhappiness. Living with someone who is constantly angry and unsatisfied with his own life is so difficult. I applaud you for doing everything you can to make things better.

What other pressures are acting upon your husband to cause him to act so cranky and drink to excess? Is it some other part of his family? I feel that his immediate family puts great pressure upon him to achieve unreasonable goals.

Do his mother and father meddle in your own family affairs? Eliminating any and all of the outside influences that prey upon his emotions would go a long way in making him more receptive to a spiritual approach to family life.

I realize that this is easy for me to say and perhaps much more difficult for you to do. With your daughter's help, however, the older members of his family might be led to help rather than hinder you in making the family more united.

I'm assuming that he wasn't always like this or you wouldn't have married him in the first place. You CAN get back to where you were when you were first together.

You have to find a way to get through his dissolution and disappointment. He is not angry with you or your daughter; these rages are brought on by a combination of alcohol and disappointment in himself, and he is the one who is going to have to change what's going on in other areas of his life so he can reconnect with your family.

Since pointing that out directly to him probably won't stop the behavior, might it be possible for him to get some outside professional help? A few sessions with a sensitive family counselor might do the trick, for he'll listen to a stranger more than someone in the family. Sometimes people don't even realize the sneaky effects of alcohol and anger. Once he realizes what's going on, I feel he will want to change.

Uniting a family in Spirit requires the cooperation of every member. As long as your husband is in his separate, miserable frame of mind, there won't be much you can do for him but pray and ask the angels to open his heart.

That can be very powerful, however, and it may be just what you need to do. Coupled with some counseling and some personal work he'll do on his own, you should be able to become a much happier family again.

Remember, this is NOT YOUR FAULT, and we can't do everything alone. Get whatever help is available to you and use it wisely.

Susyn responds:

Dear Ami,

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. It sounds like there is a pattern here that was established in your marriage over many years, and it isn't working for you anymore.

Though you may feel isolated in your feelings, there are many women who feel just like you do. I applaud you for exploring new outlets of expression with Yoga and Pranayam practices. Below are a few more suggestions that should help.

Based on your description, your husband shows a tendency toward alcoholism. Try to stay out of his way when he gets angry or moody.

Though adjusting to his demands or withdrawing may feel disempowering to you, it will keep you and your daughter safe from harm until you are stronger in your own self-worth and spirit.

With just a few changes you can turn things around pretty quickly, though it may feel uncomfortable at first. Remember this: whatever you focus on, your husband will focus on.

If you spend your time focused on his behavior or trying to monitor his mood so you can react in a certain way, then all your focus is on him! In this way, you may actually be promoting your husband's bad behavior and your own unhappiness.

He may also be contributing by subtly undermining anything you do for yourself. He may not be aware of it, but ask yourself this question: when you start doing things for yourself, does his behavior and anger accelerate?

You can't blame yourself for his unhappiness, so don't give up the things you love to do when this happens.

It's my experience that the fastest way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. As long as you continue to try and figure out how to change him, this problem will continue.

I encourage you to build your inner strength by taking better care of yourself, as you can only help your family if you are mentally and physically happy. I suggest starting with a 10-minute meditation each morning and evening.

Burn yellow and purple candles during this time to strengthen your willpower and spiritual chakras, which in turn will increase your ability to stand up for yourself. You may also want to get involved in an activity outside the home that brings you into the company of other spiritual women.

Look within to discover who you are and what you truly want, Ami. As difficult as it sounds, remember you are also setting an example for your daughter that she will one day integrate into her own life, so in doing this for yourself, you are empowering her at the same time.