Dear Julia,

I have been trying to attract new love into my life using the law of attraction. Two years ago, I had a few dates with a great guy who has all the qualities I'm looking for. We could talk and laugh for hours. We went on four dates, and then I backed out because I was unable to feel sexually attracted to him and figured it would be better to stop sooner rather than later. I kept his number in my cell phone, and a couple of months ago when I seriously started praying for new love and trying to attract it into my life, I started noticing his name in my cell phone book. Every time I tried to visualize this new love, he would pop into my mind. I thought perhaps I should give it another try. We've now reconnected, and it's just as easy and natural as it was before. We're even on the same page spiritually in terms of what we've been up to recently. We've seen each other again, and it was wonderful, but I was still not physically attracted. I'm wondering what's happening with me. Am I resisting attraction at an unconscious level because part of me is still afraid of men? (I've always been more attracted to men who weren't good for me.) Am I trying to force myself into a relationship with this guy because I know he would be a wonderful partner? If I get to know him better, might I become sexually attracted to him?

-S.

Dear S.,

First it's important to note that whenever we have trouble manifesting something we think we really desire, there are usually lessons we need to learn or wounds we need to heal that are tripping us up. When it comes to finding a soul mate, there are lots of issues that can cause people to search endlessly in vain. Many people do block chemistry due to various fears; I see this all the time in my own friends and the clients I counsel. For example, I know a number of women who only want what they can't have: they find everyone who is attracted to them to be inadequate for some reason, and always get hung up on guys who are out of their league, married, or somehow unavailable, which effectively prevents them from getting seriously involved with anyone.

Many people have deep psychic wounds that need to be healed. If women were abused, raped, shamed for being sexual or rejected in this life or another lifetime, those wounds must be healed in order for them to have a healthy, fulfilling sex life. (Women who died in childbirth in past lives often have sexual problems in future lives as well.) Similarly, men who were abused, raped, shouldered with the heavy burdens of providing for an unexpected family, unable to sexually perform, infected with an STD, or romantically rejected must also heal those wounds to find sexual fulfillment.

Deep issues aside, there are all sorts of energetic interactions constantly happening between people. These largely determine whether we feel drawn to them as well as the quality of relationship we form with them. For example, you can meet someone who seems really nice on the surface and yet feel uneasy around them because on an unconscious level, you sense that who they are pretending to be is not who they really are.

There are two issues at work here: how we are vibrating, and how we are vibrating in relationship to another individual. We have tremendous control over our own vibration, and some control over how we vibrationally relate to others.

We can cultivate passion and sensuality just like we manifest anything else in life. For example, I had a lover long ago who awakened me to a new level of sensuality. Until my experiences with him, I had been rather repressed but didn't know it. We were amazing together, for he brought me sensually to life.

This taught me that it's possible to bring out in lovers whatever turns us on. To awaken another, however, we must first embody the sensuality we're hoping to find instead of looking for someone else to make it happen for us. So instead of looking for someone with whom you have good chemistry, you might try becoming more passionate and sensual yourself, focusing energetically on what you want to manifest, and setting that tone for whatever relationship you want to evoke good chemistry in. In this particular relationship, you can focus on cultivating all kinds of sensual pleasure, evoking the wonderful lover in him, and enjoying yourself no matter what.

This approach will only take us so far in particular relationships, however, just like being kind will only take us so far with certain people. If their idea of being a good friend is way off from our own, then we're just not going to click. Similarly, if we don't even really like someone, we won't find them sexually attractive, or if they have sexual issues that need to be healed, they may not be ready to engage at the higher level of experience we're longing for.

Of course, just as every combination of elements produces a different chemical reaction, there are all sorts of different chemistries between people. It's particularly interesting to observe how new babies in a family will immediately demonstrate great rapport with some family members and show an aversion to others. No doubt this is in part due to past life experiences/karma.

Regardless how it comes to be, the chemistry between any two people is determined by the quality of the vibration of the relationship. Just as the individuals in the relationship have personal vibrations, the relationship itself has a certain feeling or tone.

Music offers us a great metaphor for understanding this better. Let's say that everyone has an overall vibration that matches a certain note of the scale, and whenever we get together with one or more other people, we strike a chord. Clearly, there will be some combinations that sound really good and others that are discordant.

When we meet someone who shares our personal note, we feel like they are very much like us. We are kindred spirits, so we communicate and get along very well. It sounds like you and this wonderful man are very similar in nature, which is why you feel so at ease around him.

When we meet someone who has a different vibration but one that sounds really good with our own, we complement each other. The more complex but complementary a chord is, the more interesting it sounds. This is when you get a very passionate sort of bond, for you are different enough to be fascinated by each other, but at the same time, you complement each other or sound good together. Even when we are very similar to someone else, however, we can create a melody with them that is simple but moving and beautiful.

All of this is a gross oversimplification, of course, for we are all so much more than one note, and we are forever changing. This is where we have a lot of room to play at creating something beautiful. I believe that we can cultivate good chemistry with anyone we basically like, respect, and feel good around. If we are too similar, it may become sort of routine after a while, but every relationship feels like that after we've ironed out all the kinks - it just happens sooner rather than later when we're highly compatible with someone. On the other hand, with someone who is too different from us, we may feel intense passion but so much conflict that it's just not worth it.

Life is full of beautiful people and endless opportunities for passion and pleasure. To find deep fulfillment, we must become within what we seek in our outer experience, and make the most of love wherever and however we may find it.