If we can create whatever we want in our lives, is it possible to be too picky? You see, I've been divorced for more than ten years, and in that time, I've gone on a lot of dates but never had an actual relationship with a man. Frankly, none of them have seemed good enough for one reason or another. Now my friends are telling me that I'm too picky because I recently met a great guy online, but I don't think he's tall enough for me. (He's a few inches taller than I am, but when I wear heels, we're the same height.) He's sweet, successful, kind, attentive, funny, intelligent, charming and handsome. Aside from his height, I find him very attractive. Should I hold out for a man who seems perfect in every way, or try to make something great with the short guy?

-Melanie

Dear Melanie,

Melanie, of course you are being too picky - that's why your friends are telling you that. In your own words, you have met a man who is sweet, successful, kind, attentive, funny, intelligent, charming and handsome.

The only problem you have with him is that you are the same height when you wear heels? I am 5' 11" tall. When I wear heels, I'm taller than just about everyone else in the room!

This excuse just does not fly with me! Let's get down to the real meat and potatoes here, shall we?

You don't date or get into relationships with men because you don't know how to truly relate. Your parents loved you - that is definitely true. However, they also expected you to fulfill lots of heavy expectations. If you fell short of their ideals, you felt less than truly loved.

That happened just about every single day. At some point during the day, you felt not good enough. When people spend their entire lives feeling not good enough, they become very insular, guarded, and lonely.

That is what you have become. You have lots of friends, and you even have lots of male friends who are great companions. Yet you keep yourself safe from falling in love because deep down, you really believe that you are not good enough. You have NEVER experienced unconditional love, so you don't know how to give or receive it.

We also need to discuss the sexual abuse you endured when you were young. Granted, it was not nearly as bad as some of the stories we hear these days, but it did scar you and give you a warped view of relationships. You have never spoken about it, and you don't even really think about it much anymore. Pull it out and look at it so you can deal with it.

As we grow, we develop belief systems about things. For example, my belief system about snow is that is it cold, messy, causes traffic snarls, and is basically useless. Someone who loves to ski and snowboard might have a completely different belief system about snow than I do.

Your belief system about romantic relationships is that you are not good enough to be loved, that no one will ever unconditionally love you, and to avoid getting hurt, you have to be alone. This is why you haven't manifested a truly fulfilling romantic relationship yet.

Your belief system is keeping you from really loving yourself, and until you do, you won't be able to find love with someone else either.

I wish you unconditional love for yourself and someone special.

Astrea responds:

Dear Melanie,

I never suggest that people settle. You're the one who has to live with your decisions. If the person you're seeing can't meet your desires and expectations, the kindest thing you can do for both of you is to move on.

If his height is as important to you as all the other great qualities you listed, that's fine. No one should ever try to force something to happen that doesn't feel natural.

I do have to address something, however. Ten years of dating without finding anyone you want is a long time. Are you sure you really want to be in a relationship? Could it be that you don't really want a partner, you just want to complain that you don't have one?

Are you one of those people who always finds the metaphorical fly in her food no matter how nice the restaurant? There are lots of people who choose to remain single by making an impossible list of requirements for their ideal mate.

These people are so focused on their own desires, they never consider the other person's. If you really do want a relationship, seek someone whose feelings you can care for more than your own.

This is someone you would wish to make happy and even be willing to make sacrifices for. This would be someone you might put BEFORE your own selfish wishes and desires.

Also, remember that people's appearance changes over the years. Even if you found your physical ideal today, that doesn't mean he'd be ideal forever.

If you can't look past the surface for his spiritual beauty, you should let this caring individual move on to find someone he can love who will love him in return for both his inner and outer attributes.

Your friends want you to be happy, but maybe they're tired of hearing you complain for the past ten years that none of the men you've been out with are good enough for you.

What they think certainly isn't as important as what you know in your heart, however. If you know you couldn't be completely happy with someone who is too short, then agreeing to spend any more time with him is definitely a mistake. No matter how great a guy he is, he'll never measure up to what you think is the correct height for a man.

Since he can't make himself grow any taller, let him down as quickly and gently as possible so you can both move on. If he really is as wonderful as you say he is, he shouldn't have any trouble finding a woman who can overlook what you perceive to be an insurmountable physical deficiency.

There will be a long line of women behind you, hoping and praying you'll throw him in their direction!